My Story: Journey to Motherhood – Part 1

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6 , Part 7, Part 8

So this post is a bit off the beaten track of “Deal Shopping”, but I am working through some fertility issues and my head is a bit all over the place right now – I’ve gone between considering fertility treatment, to adoption, to foster care, to a major re-adjustment of lifestyle (health wise) in the hopes that I can keep my family growing.

I’m hoping to share a little of what we have experienced over the last 10 years to hopefully help myself figure out where it is I really want to go with this as well as to just share a little about myself.  Please feel free to comment and share your own experiences – I would love to hear from you how you have come through (or are currently working on) related experiences.

I’ve always wanted to be a mom – since I was in 1st grade and we were asked “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I would always answer “A mom-cook” or “A mom-nurse” or a “A mom-decorator” – maybe because we lived in a VERY rural area in the mountains of Oregon – an hour and a half from a real town – and a phone that only called the operator – and the only people around were my family I lived with.  Maybe it’s because my mom was always a stay at home mom and taught us how lucky we were to have each other.  In any event, once I was married I wanted to start our own family within 2 years.

I met my husband during college when I was 19.  He was not looking to date anyone (he was one of those down to earth, kind of quiet, tall dark and handsome types who would sit and play his guitar while all the girls fell for him types).  Somehow I caught his eye – he says I was spunky and playful, – but he was too shy to do anything about it.  I chased him.  I paid $300 in parking tickets one semester, just to make sure I was parked by his apartment after our class we had together so I could be walking the same direction as him – pathetic I know, but really I was trying to help out a shy guy, ya know?  A year and a half later I couldn’t stand it and finally in a very nonchalant, roundabout way asked him out on our first date.  I knew he was perfect for me (and hoped I was for him) as we sat there and talked for hours over dinner.  We began hanging out more one on one and about 2 months later he asked me on an “official” date – after that I fell helplessly head over heals very quickly.  Chris was everything I wanted in a husband.  He was sweet, genuine, hard working, tender, protective and made me laugh and smile until my cheeks would hurt.  He wanted a big family and a was excited to support his wife and kids in a way that made it possible for her be a stay at home mom.  We were engaged after just a few months of “serious” dating and married near the end of 2001.  About 2 years after we were married we welcomed a very sweet baby girl into our family.

Things went great, aside from vomiting several times daily and quitting my job due to morning sickness – she was born healthy and I had officially entered “The Motherhood”. (pictured above with my dad)

When my baby girl was 6 months old …. Surprise!  We found out we were pregnant again.  This was a little overwhelming and I wasn’t quite sure how I felt about it.  Surprised – definitely.  A little scared and freaked out – yup!  Excited for all that would come with another sweet baby – Overwhelmingly.  We scheduled our first doctors appointment for my 12 week mark.  My husband took the day off and we got a babysitter and went in together.  Our doctor pulled out his doppler.  He couldn’t find a heartbeat and decided to go ahead and do a quick bed-side ultra sound.  Again there was no heartbeat.  He quickly told us we may just be off on our dates (I was pretty sure I wasn’t) but that we would be sent over to the hospital for a thorough  (internal) ultrasound.

Things had been great before and we just didn’t expect anything different.  So we went to the hospital and had our ultrasound.  Looking back we were just so naive – we didn’t realize how many people go through miscarriages and how common fertility issues are.  After the ultrasounds that day we came to the conclusion that we must have been off on our dates and we’d come back in a few weeks to see what our “real” due date was.

Two more visits – a week apart each – confirmed what we had never considered a possibility.  We would be loosing the baby – there was no growth and only a faint flicker of heart beat.  Within a few weeks, the heartbeat was completely gone and I was still enduring exhaustive morning sickness.  With a 9 month old daughter already being neglected I reluctantly agreed to a D&C – I felt awful, wondering if somehow I just gave it more time, things might work out.  When my doctor convinced me that there really was no hope in this pregnancy resulting in a healthy or even unhealthy baby I went in for the surgery so that I could turn back my attention to the little girl I was beginning to appreciate even more.

(Chris and Baby #1 at about 1 year)

You can read Part 2 here.

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6 , Part 7